Happy New Year!

What's up, bitches?! Happy New Year's Eve! 2013 is just hours away, are you prepared?

Prepared? For what?! Y2K is an old joke and the Mayan Apocalypse has come and gone, so what could y'all possibly prepare for?

Year in Review: December

December, December, December...

My head is still spinning with where the days went, and how quickly they've gone!

Everything was going great for most of the month. I had my girlfriend Aziza over for dinner one night, which was a lot of fun. She brought over part of her CSA (community supported agriculture) bag and we made a fantastic dinner of roasted chicken, garlic mashed potatoes, and baked green beans, followed up by an apple-rhubarb pie. Dee-lish!

Year in Review: November

November is probably by far my favorite month of the year. The weather in Los Angeles finally starts to cool down,  Marie has a birthday, and then of course there is Thanksgiving, a day where one can surround themselves with family, eat like a mad woman and pass out on the couch without any judgements. 

This year, Marie and I met in Chicago for three days to celebrate her birthday and to see Prof play. It was perfect and so much fun, that I think we are going to make this a regular occurance. 

Year in Review: October

It seems as though I blinked and October was here, blinked again and it was over. What a nuts-o month it was. 

First we had Madison's school carnival: 

-set up on the weekend before

-3 days of volunteering in the heat

-break down in one day

As much as I hate volunteering and getting to know Madison's school community, this wasn't all that bad this year. I guess I should stop being such a...hmmm, can't think of a fitting word here...and just enjoy getting out of the house. 

Year in Review: September

September was an okay month. Madison was having some issues adjusting to life in Kindergarten, and we had to have multiple meetings with Sister to get to the root of the problem. Turns out she was just a bit scared of being on the school campus with a lot of big kids, wearing a uniform and some minor issues with her teacher, which have since been cleared up. 

Year in Review: August

August came all too quickly. It seems as though from here, the rest of the year just whizzed right by.

Boy in Bucket

 August was miserably hot. We spent a good chunk of the month with temperatures over 100°, and since our pool currently is a big toy cemetery now (aka a big, empty pit.) we had to improvise.

We played in water filled buckets and the sprinklers a lot, in addition to the hose. It helped, but it was still like Hell on Earth. Needless to say the kids were naked most days. ha!

How I Came to Enjoy Hip Hop: Part III

*This is not a review of the albums, per say. I hate music reviews, 'cause I'd rather decide for myself the tracks I like, rather than listening to some music snob, like my Uncle Shitty, tell me what to like (Although U.S. does have some great suggestions for music should you need one.).

Year in Review: July

July 2012 was fun. We as a family + Mareda, my mother-in-law, went to Big Sur for 4th of July.

XXX

Heeeellllllloooo! I've been drinking so you'll have to forgive my grammar, punctuation, spelling and capitalization skillz at the moment.

Merry Effing X-Mas!

Hey, hey, heeeey! Happy Ho Ho Day!

Just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas!

I'm Fucking Bi-Polar. No, Seriously.

The first time I tried to kill myself I was about 10 years old. I was in 5th grade. I knew what suicide meant, but I had to look it up in the dictionary to know how to spell it. I remember writing the word out on my parent's bathroom mirror in lipstick, and then going into my bedroom and hacking the shit out of my arms and legs with a dull knife. I don't know if I really wanted to die, but I know that being able to see blood and actually feel physical pain was such a relief. With that began the hardest hill I had to climb, and am still climbing.

How I Came to Enjoy Hip Hop: Part II, The Shows

I first heard of Prof through my girlfriend, Marie. Not more than 2 days after she told me to check out his music, available for a FREE download here, I had the pleasure to see him live at the Troubadour, with Grieves on the Together/Apart tour. It was Providence, as my mother would say.

Pre-Apocalypse Love Note!

I forgot to share this with y'all the other day...

Year in Review: June

June was a chill month. Madison was just finishing up with her current round of swimming lessons at the YMCA (girly girl swims like a pro!) and the preschool was released for summer break.

On the 23rd, Mark and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. The kids went to Grandma's for a couple of nights while Mark and I got to spend some quality Quality Time together.

We've tried to make a point of actually going somewhere for our anniversary, usually up to "Win Country" to the Chumash Indian Casino for gambling, wine tasting and what not. I can't remember why we stayed in town this year, but it was better than anything I could have asked for!

Mark came home from work early, we made cocktails and then made out (Yeee-ah!). We then ventured over to Sherman Oaks and ate way too much delicious food at Boneyard Bistro. After that, we drove around looking for a movie theater, and eventually ended up screaming across the valley to the Fallbrook Mall to see 'Moonrise Kingdom.'

The next morning we slept in, or well at least Mark slept in, I was up at 6:00 a.m. as usual. I felt calm, relaxed and refreshed having not been woken up every few hours or so by crying babies. Ahh...perfection.

Oh my God! We are SMILING at each other!

So in lov..hold up! So SKINNY!

                                       

How I Came to Enjoy Hip Hop

I know I may not look like it on the outside, but on the inside I am a South Minneapolis, snot-nosed, ghetto, hood rat.

Sure...I grew up in the 'burbs in a mostly secure family and had a mediocre support system, but I was born in MPLS and resided in Uptown for a period of time when it was still not frowned upon when nearly naked 2 year olds rode tricycles into traffic on 31st Street and Humboldt Avenue.

Sure..I am now a mommy, living in the 'burbs, raising my kids in a mostly secure family with an amazing support system, but I am now living in Los Angeles where I am lucky enough to catch some great musicians who roll through town, on tour from Minneapolis.

I first realized my inner social status through the music of Atmosphere. Wow, I was blown away. I had never heard anything like it in my life. I could some how emotionally relate to all the words that came out of Slug's mouth whilst shakin' my ass to Ant's sick beats.

I hadn't considered myself a fan of hip-hop, and am still having a hard time coming to terms with admitting to myself that yes, I do, indeed, love hip-hop. I mean com'mon, I only had Atmosphere playing amongst Arcade Fire, Elvis Costello, Le Tigre and maybe a little Morphine. I had no experience with hip-hop. It was, and still is, pretty fresh to me.

Only recently have I actually delved deeper into what actually gets air time on my iTunes and in my car's CD player. Mostly hip-hop, and mostly from those folks over there at Rhymesayers. I had to tell myself I was no longer an indie rock, new wave loving, A.M. College Radio Station listening nor Used Record Store digging music lover. Not that I don't still love the music, it just doesn't get as much play these days.

Which brings me to this, partly because I need fodder for this blog and partly because I can't stop the music (on air and in my head): PROF could possibly be the straw that breaks the camel's back in terms of my hip-hop fandom. (Fucking dramatic, right?!)

current favorite song

Year in Review: May

May was something special. First there was Madison's school trip to Underwood Family Farms. The kids got an interactive farm and food discussion, a tractor ride and were able to pick a pound of strawberries! Great preschool field trip.

Crabby Pants and her friends in the strawberry fields

Emily, Sammy & Madison with their berries

The there was Memorial Day weekend...Soundset 2012! Robert was lucky enough to join me on this lightening fast trip, because he was still free to fly on the plane, and spent the weekend hanging out with Gma and Poppy while I ran around like a fool with my girl Marie.

I had been waiting since January for this weekend, when Mark bought me the plane ticket for my birthday. The months, weeks and days seemed to drag on up until we departed, and, of course, the time seemed to fly by once we were in Minnesota.

In his fly ride with Poppy

We got to see cousin Ada, too!

Marie: about to leave for Soundset

I'm ready to go

This is how we do it...dork style

VIP lunch

Dude, have your gf/bf pop that fucking zit. It is staring at me in the face!

People starting to file in

I am pretty sure this was Grieves

Tony & Marie: Trying to recover from the heat & humidity

Nice Shades

Dead Sexy

This was when the first clouds started to show up

Dirty

Storm rolling into the area

This was just as the show got called. A tornado swooped into the area, and the resulting winds cause a bunch of equipment back stage to get destroyed.

Even though Soundset got canceled just before Atmosphere came on, it was still an amazing experience. I got to see Prof kill it yet again, Grieves, Brother Ali, break dancers, skateboarders and people getting sprayed with a fire hose and sliding down a muddy hill. I think this needs to become an annual trip for me!

Year in Review: April

April was a sad month. April Fool's Day (I hate that shit, cause I'm always the fool!), Taxes, and a friend of mine passed away.

I don't actually recall what his real name was, but we called him Tuna. Tuna was the diving coach over at Santa Monica College. I first met him when I swam for SMC, way back in 2005. If one stopped by the pool at any given moment, Tuna was there. I almost think that he lived in a secret cave beneath the pool deck, only so that if someone needed help with the scoring system, or wanted/needed to chat, he would be there.

Tuna was a sweet soul, about 5'7" and nearly as big around as he was tall. He always had a smile on his face and a (dirty) joke to tell. He was a Russian immigrant, with an accent thick as molasses that made conversations with him an exercise in translation!

Tuna loved me. I was his "Sugar Pop" and he was my "Sugar Papa." I remember missing his birthday party one year due to conflicting schedules and I never thought I'd hear the end of it, but he forgave me, as he did everyone.

To be honest with you, Tuna's personal life is just as much a mystery to me as is his name. I really wish I had more stories I could tell you about Tuna, other than him showing up on the pool deck a little tipsy every now and again. I guess I could say he was one of the most genuine people I've come across in my time spent living in the Land o' Flakes.


Эй Tuna,

Вы любили и будет не хватать.

ваш...
Sugar Pop

Happy 6th Birthday, Madison!

It was 3:00 a.m. when that little shit decided it was time to get ready to make an appearance.

I got out of bed, and started timing my contractions. 15 minutes apart...I've got time to take a shower.

I took a LONG, hot shower, not knowing when the next time I would be able to do so without interruption.

4:30 a.m. - I woke Mark up to tell him that I was in labor, and that the contractions were now about every 12 minutes. He leapt out of bed and sprang into action. Coffee! check. Hospital bag in the car! check. Wife! ... wife? Where are you?

I wasn't ready to go. I called the hospital to see what I should be doing and to let my doc know it was go time. They said I could come right in and they would take care of letting my doctor know that there was about to be another baby girl in the world.

When I hung up the phone, Mark was waiting patiently by the door with my jacket, ready to become a dad. But, I still wasn't ready to go. So I took a bath and shaved my legs, again, not knowing when I would be able to do it again in peace.

By this time, my parent's, sister Katherine and nephew Ted were starting to get out of bed, rubbing eyes, drinking hot caffeinated beverages, the anticipation building. It was around 8:00 a.m. The contractions were 10 minutes apart.

Mark, now pacing in front of the door, started to get antsy. He began to have a sense of urgency in his voice, gently pushing me to hurry up. But I still wasn't ready. I didn't want to be in a hospital for any longer than I needed to be and still had things to do...like get a pedicure.

My big sister offered to drive me up to the nail salon, which would be open in a half an hour. This is when Mark lost it. He raised his voice, threw hands in the air and spoke his mind. Again, I didn't know the next time I was going to be able to have a pedicure, and told him to relax. I would let him know when I was ready to go to the hospital.

When the beauty shop opened up, I got my talons trimmed, scrubbed and painted fire engine red. Contractions were now 8 minutes apart, and so I began my breathing exercises to help ease my growing discomfort. TIP: If you are ever in a hurry at the beauty salon, tell them you're in labor and they will give you the fastest pedicure ever. Who wants to clean up after a woman shits out a baby in your place of work...hence the lightening speed at which is was primped.

By the time we reached home, I was exhausted from being up so early and, obviously, being in labor. I had no idea that it would make me so tired, so I tried to lay down and take a nap, but Mark took charge and whisked me off to the hospital, despite my protests.

I got to the hospital at 12:00 noon. By 2:00, I was singing and laughing and really enjoying the numbing sensation that the epidural I just got was delivering. TIP: If you must have a baby, get an epidural. My thinking: Your child isn't EVER going to thank you for the pain you went through to bring them into this world, and for the next 18-23 years they will cause you nothing but heartache, so why not enjoy your last few hours of freedom and take all the drugs you can get.

At 6:30, my doctor broke my water. I began pushing 5 minutes later and with in the half hour, she little lady spilled out from within my loins, guts hanging out everywhere, screaming, but beautiful as ever.

It was 7:05 p.m. December 20, 2006 when I became a mom. I was 23 years old. I felt so helpless at the fact that my baby's future may be short lived, but I have never felt more powerful and responsible. Like I had been given a special flower that would bloom for a lifetime, and with the right amount of light, food and care, I was the only person who could actually make it bloom.

Happy Birthday, Madison Claire Cegielski, my beautiful flower!

Year in Review: March

As I sit here and type these reflections, I actually have to have my Moleskine sitting here with me because I can't really remember everything that happened all that well. Fortunately, I do write everything...every sneeze, fart, event, you name it...into my Moleskine. I would be such an unorganized wreck if it weren't for that little black notebook.

Looking back through the pages, March was an interesting month.

1. Robert & Madison both went to the dentist for the first time. R went because he fell off a chair and into his sister's bunk bed, smashing his sweet little face and knocking some teeth loose. M went because she was jealous that R got a toothbrush as a prize. However, when we got there with M, we found out she had rotten teeth due to drinking apple juice every night. The dentist told her to stop, and she did. Cold turkey quitting the apple juice. Praise the Higher Powers That Be!

2. Dad had surgery to remove his cancerous prostate. It was a success! However, the doc had discovered that in the 6 weeks it had been from diagnosis to removal, the cancer had begun to metastasise. Fortunately for Pops, the surgeon got it all and he has been cancer free ever since.

3. I got a part time waitressing job at this shitty, Jewish deli up in No Man's Land (aka Valencia). I would like to say that it started out as being fun and went down hill from there, but that is not the case. The owner was a perv, who would always ask me if I would ever leave Mark and my kids to join him in Aruba and his daughter, the GM, hated life and took it out on everyone who hadn't worked there for at least 5 years, and if you happened to be a woman as well, she hated you even more. I think I put up with it for about 6 weeks, only because it was nice to get out of the house for a few hours every few days.

Yeah, March was interesting. Glad it is over!

Year in Review: February

To be honest with you, I don't really remember much of what happened in February.

There was Valentine's Day, of course. I remember I got a phalaenopsis orchid from Mark that I could look at while I did dishes.

It was beautiful, but the light in the kitchen window isn't ideal for growing plants, and my ability to care for houseplants like I used to had diminished with each child I gave birth to.

So needless to say this beautiful plant bloomed, withered and died.

Mark, if you're reading this, I don't need beautiful plants. I don't need chocolate (neither does my ass). I don't need bling, rings or anything fancy. It is all very nice and all, but my tastes are simple.

What I do like, in terms of a Valentine's Day gift:
-Handwritten sentiments on scraps of paper that clutter our home. I like to save these in a special place so that I can re-read them at my leisure and remember just what we were going through on the day you wrote it.
-Handmade cards from our kids.
-Long hugs.
-Juicy kisses.

And if you want to do something nice for me on V-Day, please consider this: A foot rub goes a long way!

Year in Review: January

I remember it like it was yesterday.

New Year's Eve 2011. My children were fast asleep. My husband was geeking out on the x-box. I was sitting out on the patio, smoking cigarettes and otherwise. It was 9:30 p.m. My last Facebook status of the year read:

"happy fucking new year, folks. I'm off to bed...big surprise. hope 2012 doesn't blow donkey balls for y'all...hey, can someone explain to me why it smells like feces in reseda?"

And that pretty much summed up my year.

January brought lots of hope for change and beginning anew. That's the nice thing about a new year: All the horrible shit that happened in the last 12 months can be left behind, and all of the good things that happened can be cherished as memories. Really, this can be done at anytime, but there is nothing like a new year to force it upon a person.

My New Year's Resolutions for 2012 were as follows:
-Quit smoking (didn't happen...and I sort of tried)
-Lose 20-40 #s (I lost 35, but due to losing my walking buddies [twice], medication changes and lack of motivation, I've since gained it all back. boo.)
-Drink more water (getting better. at least I've quit drinking soda at home)
-Be a better wife and mom (a work in progress)

Other highlights of January 2012:
-My dad was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer
-I turned 29
-Mark turned 40 (haha, old man...)
-I found an AMAZING hair stylist at Pomp Studio. Expensive as Hell, but damn, do I feel and look like a million bucks when Ms. Ashley Livesay is done with me!

Ugly hair cut that started to become more enjoyable

Minus the cancer diagnoses, January was pretty average. Which is a good thing. I'll take average any day over catastrophic bull shit that seems to rear it's ugly head at the most inopportune times. 

BUSTED!

The other morning I woke up to find our Elf, ahem, surfing the web.

"But I was just checking my e-mail! I swear! Then these pop up ads just started opening up, one right after the other! I was just trying to close them! I SWEAR!"

Needless to say, Bernard has lost his computer rights for a couple of days.

This is my official entry for the 2012 Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf Contest hosted by http://www.babyrabies.com/2012/11/inappropriate-elf-contest-2012/

I'm #115! Vote for me!! PLEASE!

Year in Review: Where the Hell Did Time Go?!

For me, December always creeps up. One minute I am scrambling to get Halloween costumes in line and the next it is December 1st. Cards need to get written, addressed, stamped and mailed. Madison's birthday plans need to be made. X-mas festivities, over indulgence of all sorts, and in the blink of an eye, I am waking up at the dawn of a new year.

From a not too recent conversation with my brother, he explained how he loathed getting cards in the mail that included a letter from the sender recapping their year. I personally love these. It may be a generic mass mailing, but it lets me know that if the shit that goes on in a year are okay enough for other people to share their stories, people really do adapt and overcome. 

Over the next few days and weeks that remain of this year I am going to be reflecting on the year I just went through. The good, the bad and the ugly. All in all 2012 was a fairly smooth year. Sure there were some ups and downs, but there were far more ups than downs.

Pictures of Yesterday's Science Project

Yesterday Madison, Robert and I started a snowflake science project. Here are some photos of the final results. 

Icicles 

Frosty Blue Star

 Snowflake

The photos don't really show how pretty and sparkly our snowy creations are, but in real life, let me assure you, they shine!

This worked out so well that I am doing it again! I am making 10 icicles, one for each student in M's class. That way she can give each of her friends a present and I'm hardly breaking the bank. 

So in case you didn't see yesterday's post with the link to the directions on how you too can make your very own snowflakes using household products, I'll leave them for you here:

You'll need:

     - For the solution:

       - 1/3 cup Borax Soap (found in the laundry detergent isle at you local supermarket)

       - 1 pint water (That's 16 ounces, or 2 cups)

     - For the snowflakes:

      - pipe cleaners

      - string

      - skewer, pen or pencil

      - pint glass

Directions:

1. Bring your water to a boil.

2. Design your snowflakes by bending and shaping them into desired shapes. Make sure you have a little loop on the top to add a string to. Add enough string so that you can hang your snowflake on the pencil, in the pint glass without it touching the sides or bottom.

3. When water is boiling, add the Borax soap flakes. Remove from heat and stir until the soap is pretty close to begin dissolved. No worries if it doesn't dissolve 100 %.

4. Pour the solution into the pint glass.

5. Hang your snowflake in the pint glass, so that it doesn't touch the sides or bottom.

6. Leave to crystalize overnight (I like starting this project in the morning and just letting the crystals grow thick overnight).

7. Remove snowflake from solution and let air dry. Prest-o, change-o...you've just turned a pipe cleaner into a snowflake!

Today I Get Fucking Crafty

So yesterday I posted a whiny rant about some bull shit that, if I really wanted to make easier on myself, I'd assign more chores to my family, shut my filthy trap and be happy with what I've got.

Today is a new day though, filled with new adventures, and shit so exciting I'd probably pee my pants if I were either a lot younger or a lot older.

Well, maybe not adventures (I went to Ralph's this morning!) and maybe not so exciting that I pee my pants (but I did have to go pee really bad when I got home from the supermarket and almost didn't make it - having to leap over the baby gate that blocks the hallway and all.), but exciting enough to bring a smile to my kid's faces because they can do something a tad more fun than homework and beating each other up.

Tuesdays are probably my favorite day of the week. Since the house is pretty livable now, I usually make a mess out of it again by getting my genius on.

Actually, this morning was amazing! Everyone in the house was up at the same time as me, 5:30 in case you were wondering. This meant I could con Mark into helping me fold the laundry and put it away. Score! Then I had about and hour and a half before I needed to bring Madison to school, so I washed the dinner dishes (Didn't get done last night, but then again Mark didn't get home from working two jobs until well after I had gone to bed. I don't blame him for not doing the dishes.) and then took out the garbage and recycling. After dropping M off at school, Robert and I went to the supermarket and were home by 8:30. Shit ninja! I feel like I've completed so much and still have the rest of the day to do whatever! Awe-some.

During the summer I usually bake bread on Tuesday, but because the temperature is not supposed to be above 75° today (oh, the horror!) I'm planning a few new activities planned.

Thanks to Pinterest, I get all fucking crafty on Tuesdays. Today I'm going to have M help me make snowflakes for each of the children in her Kindergarten class. I'm also making some laundry detergent to give to my in-laws as x-mas gifts (Sorry if I blew the secret for you guys!).

If I remember to, and chances are I won't, I'll post some photos. Otherwise, refer to the links.

In the mean time, here is a photo of M making snow angels in some fake snow that we waited 2 hours to play in last year at our local YMCA...NEVER AGAIN!

Here goes nothing

Here goes nothing. I say it every Monday. The day I have to clean and scrub the shit out of the house. But it is all for nothing, because I am the only person in this house, it would seem, that doesn't like living in a fucking pig sty.

But alas, I do it. Every Monday. I start with the dishes that have piled up since Friday or Saturday, whenever I last washed them. Even though this it is Mark's job to wash only the dinner dishes, I somehow still manage to get stuck with them.

While the dishes take a quick soak, it is out to the garage to do the laundry. I swear I do laundry every other day. Which brings me to a thought: Dirty dishes and laundry are like the fucking Gremlins, in that when you add water, they multiply.

Then after the dishes are done, and the laundry is washing, I take a walk through the house in search of trash/recycling that somehow never made it into the garbage can. However, I usually find more dirty dishes and more dirty laundry.

Blah blah blah...this cleaning bull shit goes on until about 12:00 noon when Robert finally gets sleepy and takes a half hour nap. A FREAKING HALF HOUR! I sometimes want to give him drugs that'll make him sleep longer so I can empty bathroom trash cans, make beds, find even more dirty dishes and even more dirty laundry, but I think that most people would frown upon that. Even if I were to fall asleep with him, I would be crabby as shit for only getting 30 minutes and not the 2 hours desperately need.

So after Robert takes a little power nap, and I am either a.) a raging bitch or b.) exhausted and ready for a nap which I can't take. Which quite depresses me. Even more so when I look around and realize that the floors need to be swept and mopped, rugs need vacuuming, clean clothes need to be folded and put away, clean dishes also need to be put away, and more importantly, I need to come up with an idea for dinner. However, this usually gets pushed to 5 minutes before I need to make dinner.

Then three o'clock rolls around and it is time to pick up Madison from school. A snack needs to be ready the minute she walks in the door, or else a full blown tantrum will ensue. After her snack has been devoured, homework must be done, Robert needs to have the crayons taken out of his hands and I stare miserably at the new art work I have acquired on the wall. After homework has been completed, M must practice her sight words, while I try to keep R from eating said words. Then, we have to read. Not much, just a few pages. This however takes a good 45 minutes because R is hitting M, R is hitting Jake, M is melting down because all she wants to do is relax and watch TV, or R decides that since M is crying, he should start up, too.

Once everyone is calm and all academic tasks are completed, I scramble, as mentioned earlier, to quick think of something that 1 picky eater will eat, and that the other, who doesn't eat, will at least try something.

Then I look in the mirror...and quickly run in fear when the tired, disheveled woman looks back at me, because obviously I am gorgeous and didn't actually go out in public looking so busted.

After an unsuccessful dinner, I realize that the clothes haven't been folded and put away, the floors haven't been swept and mopped, there are still clean dishes in the drying rack and I still look like shit.

I get no pay for my work, no thanks, mostly a snotty attitude from M, mostly crabbiness from R, and too much forgetfulness from Mark.

But I do get occasional snuggles from M, occasional kisses from R, a roof over my head, food in my belly and boundless love thanks to Mark. Thank you honey, for giving me the only job i seem to know how to do and have stayed at the longest of any job I've ever had.

I wear my Busted Housewife badge with pride!

Baked AF

Hello out there! Today I spent my morning chasing all over town for some BS that could have been explained to me over the phone, thus saving me an hour and a half. But, alas, people are dumb as shit. Boo.

Anyway, I normally wouldn't have minded getting out of the house, but today I am baking 24 miniature apple/rhubarb pies for a weekend long bake sale at M's school. Granted I can pop of 4 pies at a time in my awesome little pie press, but this shit takes some a minute to prep.

If you know me, you'll know that I'll risk life and limb to make a homemade, completely-from-scratch anything to save people from having to taste a mediocre, store bough anything. In this case, I was forced by the powers that be to buy prepared puff pastry to complete this task. This, however, has left me more time to create the perfect pie filling (which has to be table ready going into the pie press.)!

Tips on how to make an amazing apple pie:

-Use a variety of apples in your pie: A good apple pie has around 4-5 big apples in it. You should therefore use 4-5 different apples. Choose some that will fall apart when exposed to heat (Like Golden Delicious.), some that will get sweeter when exposed to heat (Like Rome.),  some that are good for eating (Like Jazz.) and some that are a good, generic baking apple (Like Granny Smith). You will cover a broad spectrum of texture and flavor in each bite.

-Use a packet of cook n serve Tapioca per pie: It is sweet, and the lumpy, fish egg texture disappears. It'll hold the apples together just like flour will, but there won't be a chance of that nas-tay uncooked flour taste.

-Don't use a lot of sugar: Maybe 1 cup or even less per pie. Let the natural sweet, deliciousness of the apples shine!

I have some other tips n tricks, but at the moment I am too far up shit creek in terms of getting these pies done on time to list them right now.

Enjoy!

P.S. It seems as though all of my Inappropriate Elf ideas are too salacious for the contest. Still brainstorming!

Where the Hell Have You Been?!

Wow, so I realize that I got super lazy about writing lately, but I am going to make an attempt at doing this more regularly.